Announcing my 4th Pregnancy

All professional images taken by my dear and talented friend, Keziah of BabyRose Photography

What a year 2021 was for the world, and for my little family.

I experienced a rare pregnancy complication in early 2021 called a Partial Molar Pregnancy. These occur in 1/1000 births and are the result of three sets of chromosomes (instead of the normal two). They are terminal for baby and can become cancerous for mom. Essentially, the placental tissue starts multiplying out-of-control, which takes over the entire uterus, and can then metastasize to the lungs, brain, and bones. Most midwives and OBs only see a few of these during their entire career - they are rare and scary.

I had two D&Cs, followed up by weekly blood tests for the majority of 2021. If my hcg rose (instead of fell) they would start me on 6-8 weeks of chemo immediately. As someone who already has a fair amount of health anxiety, the entire experience stretched me in ways that I still can’t fully articulate.

We took these images a few days after my D&C, when we were still waiting for pathology to determine if I needed chemo.

But thankfully - my body did what we had hoped it would do. It cleared the tissue and my hcg fell to zero…and stayed at zero.

Although I had SWORN we were done having kids when I was first diagnosed with the partial molar pregnancy….my deepest heart’s desire hadn’t gone away. Ryan and I had always imagined we’d have four children. Ryan has three brothers, and I have three sisters. As we sat around our dining table each night, I thought about that empty 6th chair…and I knew we had to try again.

Having one molar pregnancy dramatically increases your risk of having a second. Your odds go from 1/1000 to 1/100. While still small, that enormous jump felt daunting. I couldn’t imagine going through this all again, and I worried what would happen if maybe next time…I did need chemo.

But we moved forward in hope, and we got pregnant the first month we tried.

Only to lose that pregnancy in week 5/6.

And then we tried again…and lost that pregnancy soon after.

During this all, births happened. I documented so many breathtaking births as my body refused to hold onto these much-wanted pregnancies. I felt scared, confused, lost. To go from having zero miscarriages to suddenly having three (one of which was so scary/rare)…felt like whip-lash.

I started to believe that something was really wrong…and that maybe we weren’t supposed to have a 4th baby after all.

I scheduled appointments with a fertility specialist. I did extensive blood testing (recurrent loss panel) to see if there was an issue we could fix. No answers…and so we tried again. And somehow, we got pregnant one more time.

4 pregnancies in one year (and 6 months where we had been commanded not to try at all while my body recovered from the PMP) I felt like we had set some sort of record.

Immediately, I could tell that this was different. Nausea came on strong. My initial blood test readings were high (both hcg and progesterone). This baby was apparently sticking…and I could hardly believe it.

Of course, one week into this new pregnancy, and our entire family caught COVID. Not ideal for a birth worker who was already racked with anxiety…and had heard so many heartbreaking stories about loss during this pandemic.

The next two months were marked by exhaustion. Constant, deep, exhaustion. The combination of COVID + first trimester is not ideal for many reasons…but it made more tired than I’ve ever felt before.

I also received far more care in the early weeks than I did in my other pregnancies. Due to my PMP, I’m considered high risk until they can definitively rule out another molar pregnancy…and so I saw OBs at 6 weeks, 8 weeks, 10 weeks, and 12 weeks.

Each test and each scan brought anxiety. There were days where I felt so tired/sick that I thought we had made a huge mistake - yet again.

But despite all my fear, this little baby continued to grow…and my body continued to show me that it knew just what it was doing. Each day, each week, each strong heartbeat, felt like a gift.

And so here we are at almost 15 weeks. I’m pregnant. Baby looks good. My placenta is free from molar tissue. I have one more hurdle (the anatomy scan at 20 weeks with MFM) and then I’m free to birth however I want (out of the hospital ideally).

We are grateful that we’ve been given the chance to do this one more time. I am feeling flutters and pops when I close my eyes at night…and those are growing stronger than the worry, the anxious thoughts, the uncertainty.

I don’t know exactly why all of that happened last year, but as a birthworker, I am grateful that I can now more deeply understand the pain that comes with loss, with rare diagnoses. I hope that it makes me a better birth photographer, doula, and friend.

I’m also so excited to share this journey with all of you. You have held me up during some dark days, and I can’t wait to share the joy and light of this new life. I will be attending births through June, and then I plan on taking maternity leave starting July 1st. My partner, Brittany, will be taking clients for me for the rest of the year (and I’ll get to edit all the images/films!). She is incredible, and I’m so lucky to have her on my team. I’m sure I’ll find myself back in the birth space before 2023 (I can never leave it for long) but as for now…I’m envisioning a warm and peaceful fall with my new babe snuggled against my chest.